kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize