i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And then my night got REAL pukey
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize