I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
