how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
