That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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