my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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