He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i dont even know how to be here
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
