Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
