it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
