If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
