my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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