He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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