Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
