BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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