i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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