Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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