make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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