do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
