the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
