How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
