I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
