I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize