my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
