I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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