i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
