Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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