Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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