apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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