I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
