i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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