Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
