i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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