I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
