I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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