Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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