So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
