I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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