Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
only you would photoshop your dick
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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