Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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