I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
