u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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