Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
