I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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