The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize