College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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