you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
