you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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