You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
