i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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