You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
