my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
