Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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