the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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