I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
