it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We have started to decorate penises.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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