I got chris browned last night
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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