the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
