Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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