Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
