so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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