My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Randomize
